The day finally arrived. I got up a little bit earlier than I used to, prepared the studio (my cousin’s room), set up the camera, light, and everything. It looked perfect! One tough job was to keep the kids away from the room. They would die just to see how is it look like and I can tell you that it was worth dying for.
I went down stairs, talked to the kids about the detail and made sure they will not come up before I call them. I can’t tell who got excited the most, me or the kids. I was going to be a moderator today, so I dressed up and put on all my Harry Potter stuff I bought from Ebay last year. We had another cousin dressed up like a cat to be my helper. I looked at her and myself before we started, “what a crazy family!”
I was all set. I yelled “Kids, c’mon up!” As they walked up, I was sitting on my welcome table, fully dressed and pretending that I’m not your sister, I’m the host. The moment they saw me, I could hardly tell whether they thought I’m crazy or they admired me. Gere started to say something about me, “What are yo….” He didn’t finish the word, I cut it off first. I guess I was embarrassed enough.
I gave each of them the flags which represented each house. You’ll know what I’m talking about if you are a Harry Potter fan. I brought them into the room. They were even more surprised when they saw the scene and my cat cousin.
It was a lot harder than I thought. The kids were more interested in the scene and the cat than the game. It was hard to draw their attention to answer the questions. Finally, we got a winner which was so predictable, Gere. Who else could that be when Gere was the one who carried Harry Potter books around and studied it like it’s going to be in his final exam. We invited my aunt to be our honored person who awarded the trophy to the winner. We put her in a piano cover sheet, so she looked like Professor Snape in the story. It was so real, the moment she walked into the room. So impressive that my cousin forgot to tape all that moment. I keep blaming her about that until this day.
After that, I and my cousin cooked for a big dinner party. It wasn’t fun. I was so exhausted after all. I told my cousin I don’t want to see the kids again in the next two weeks.
That was one of crazy things I did with them. I don’t know if I could be a better sister than that. Now I’m thinking about Fan-Pan-Tae Harry Potter project two whenever I go back to Thailand. I don’t know. There’s so much to talk about Harry Potter. I know they are dying to play that game again, me too. But not for the game….I’m just dying to see their smile.
Monday
"Talkin about Crazy" (I)
As I mentioned the other day in my “Can’t smile without you (II)” story, I did so many crazy things just to satisfy my brother and the kids. You might not see a picture how crazy I was if I don’t tell you. Here’s one good example.
One day I and my cousin set up the whole game show which we imitated from a very popular TV game show in Thailand. It’s called Fan-Pan-Tae, meaning a big fan. In the real show, they would invite people who are really into something, for example, people who are really crazy about Elvis Presley. The show would have those people compete against each other by answering questions which are related to the topic that they are crazy about. We really liked this show, so we thought it would work for us since the kids have one particular topic that they are so into in common, Harry Potter.
I’m already a big fan of Harry Potter, so it wasn’t hard for me at all to come up with those questions and activities in our game show. I stayed up all night thinking about questions, making the questions board, and decorations. My cousin did all that gorgeous scene and the fabulous winner trophy. Luckily, we didn’t die because we smell too much aerosol.
We took it seriously and worked really hard for the event. The day before the competition, we sent out invitations to all kids (3, 4, 5, and 6 years old.) They were so excited about it as much as we were. They also took it seriously, carried Harry Potter books around, and asked me many questions about Harry Potter. I could barely keep my mouth shut but I had too. Otherwise, I could have exposed the questions that will be used in the game.
One day I and my cousin set up the whole game show which we imitated from a very popular TV game show in Thailand. It’s called Fan-Pan-Tae, meaning a big fan. In the real show, they would invite people who are really into something, for example, people who are really crazy about Elvis Presley. The show would have those people compete against each other by answering questions which are related to the topic that they are crazy about. We really liked this show, so we thought it would work for us since the kids have one particular topic that they are so into in common, Harry Potter.
I’m already a big fan of Harry Potter, so it wasn’t hard for me at all to come up with those questions and activities in our game show. I stayed up all night thinking about questions, making the questions board, and decorations. My cousin did all that gorgeous scene and the fabulous winner trophy. Luckily, we didn’t die because we smell too much aerosol.
We took it seriously and worked really hard for the event. The day before the competition, we sent out invitations to all kids (3, 4, 5, and 6 years old.) They were so excited about it as much as we were. They also took it seriously, carried Harry Potter books around, and asked me many questions about Harry Potter. I could barely keep my mouth shut but I had too. Otherwise, I could have exposed the questions that will be used in the game.
Sunday
Can't smile without you (III) (Continued story)
The last time when I went back to Thailand, there was a song that had just been released. I really liked it. (Check it out, the first one under “Listen” on your right hand side.) I would sing out loud every time I heard it. Soon after the song became “our song.” Every time we heard the song, we would drop everything in our hands, look at each other, wave our heads left and right, wait until the vocal start, sing it out loud together, and keep waving our heads like that for the rest of the song.
Now I’m so far away from him. Sometime in the middle of the night, I heard that little excited voice calling me “J Na…help! I can’t fight that ugly three-head dog. Come quick!”...Bang Bang Bang! .... I woke up, looked at the door, waited and listened if someone was knocking on my door…no one. It was just a dream. I’m still half of the world away from my brother.
No matter what’s he doing, I wish he’s having a great life, singing that song along with me, and being able to kill that three-head dog by himself.
Now I’m so far away from him. Sometime in the middle of the night, I heard that little excited voice calling me “J Na…help! I can’t fight that ugly three-head dog. Come quick!”...Bang Bang Bang! .... I woke up, looked at the door, waited and listened if someone was knocking on my door…no one. It was just a dream. I’m still half of the world away from my brother.
No matter what’s he doing, I wish he’s having a great life, singing that song along with me, and being able to kill that three-head dog by himself.
Can't smile without you (II) (Continued story)
After I graduated from high school, I had to be away from home and that also means I had to be away from Gere. I spent four years in college, went back and forth between home and school. I was so happy every time my dad brought Gere with him when he visited me. I only had chances to spent long period of times with my family in summer.
During summer times, everybody was home because of the school break. I spent time with Gere and other kids mostly playing games. I was a computer games chief advisor who had to be available all the time. No matter what I was doing, sleeping, taking a shower, eating, cooking, drying my hair, doing laundry or having a guest, they would yell my name or knock on my door whenever they couldn’t kill a big monster or couldn’t find a way out of the dungeon in a game. And I was always there for them, with the just-woke-up look or greasy hands or dinner in my mouth or even in my towel. To them, I was an expert and I believe I still am. I did almost every crazy thing they wanted me to do. I can’t imagine any sister in the world would do such silly things like that. In fact, I don’t think it was silly. I had a really great time with them. Laughing, crying, shrieking are still so bright in my memory.
I still remember one day I drove back from my university to visit my family in Bangkok. When I got home, someone told me that Gere was attacked by his classmate. A boy pushed him down the stairs. I couldn’t believe there will be anyone in the world would want to hurt my brother. If you know him as I do, you’ll know he would never be the one who starts a fight. I was so angry! All I wanted to do is to find out who did that and I’ll kick his ass no matter how old that boy is! The moment I saw Gere with a bandage around his face, I realized just how much I love him. I would let anyone punch my face if that could get rid of the pain out of my brother. Later on, I heard it was an accident. Luckily I didn’t go to his school and kick somebody’s ass.
During summer times, everybody was home because of the school break. I spent time with Gere and other kids mostly playing games. I was a computer games chief advisor who had to be available all the time. No matter what I was doing, sleeping, taking a shower, eating, cooking, drying my hair, doing laundry or having a guest, they would yell my name or knock on my door whenever they couldn’t kill a big monster or couldn’t find a way out of the dungeon in a game. And I was always there for them, with the just-woke-up look or greasy hands or dinner in my mouth or even in my towel. To them, I was an expert and I believe I still am. I did almost every crazy thing they wanted me to do. I can’t imagine any sister in the world would do such silly things like that. In fact, I don’t think it was silly. I had a really great time with them. Laughing, crying, shrieking are still so bright in my memory.
I still remember one day I drove back from my university to visit my family in Bangkok. When I got home, someone told me that Gere was attacked by his classmate. A boy pushed him down the stairs. I couldn’t believe there will be anyone in the world would want to hurt my brother. If you know him as I do, you’ll know he would never be the one who starts a fight. I was so angry! All I wanted to do is to find out who did that and I’ll kick his ass no matter how old that boy is! The moment I saw Gere with a bandage around his face, I realized just how much I love him. I would let anyone punch my face if that could get rid of the pain out of my brother. Later on, I heard it was an accident. Luckily I didn’t go to his school and kick somebody’s ass.
Can't smile without you (I)
September 11, 1997, behind a big window wall somewhere in Bangkok General Hospital, I moved my face even closer, so close that my breath caused a hazy glaze which made my sight even worst. All of them looked the same only that he seemed to have the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. I could tell even though they were closed.
That was the first time I met him. That was the first time I could call myself “a sister.” A few days later we took him back home. I felt like our house had never been so lively like that before. The smell of baby powder, detergent, medicine, and milk still pervade in my memory. His cheeks were so soft and pink that I would have traded anything just to place my little kiss so softly on it. Even though he was born a week ago, nobody had come up with a name that we could all agree to call him. We called him whatever we want until I came up with this name “Gere.”
From then on, I saw Gere grow everyday. I didn’t know how much I love him. I realized again when I found his pictures everywhere around me. Everywhere I went he was always with me, in my purse, my pencil case, my bag pack, my drawer, my books, on my table, and the refrigerator’s door. I can’t live without seeing his face.
That was the first time I met him. That was the first time I could call myself “a sister.” A few days later we took him back home. I felt like our house had never been so lively like that before. The smell of baby powder, detergent, medicine, and milk still pervade in my memory. His cheeks were so soft and pink that I would have traded anything just to place my little kiss so softly on it. Even though he was born a week ago, nobody had come up with a name that we could all agree to call him. We called him whatever we want until I came up with this name “Gere.”
From then on, I saw Gere grow everyday. I didn’t know how much I love him. I realized again when I found his pictures everywhere around me. Everywhere I went he was always with me, in my purse, my pencil case, my bag pack, my drawer, my books, on my table, and the refrigerator’s door. I can’t live without seeing his face.
Wednesday
Gere
There were many times that I found myself so depressed, confused and desperate. I couldn’t think of one good reason why I wanted to cry so badly. This is where the situation which I would call “I don’t know why but I wanna cry” comes about. When it happened, I felt like I totally lost and it’s even harder for me to deal with this kind of situation when I have no one around. I slowed down and thought about it. I realized that perhaps I know why I want to cry but I don’t want to accept the truth. I just don’t want to repeat something that I don’t want to believe to myself. It is the worst feeling when I want to cry but at the same time I feel like I shouldn’t shed my tear for it.
Today, I had this kind of feeling and the best thing I could do was to call my family. I talked to my aunt. I was happy about the fact that she’s doing fine but I still couldn’t get that thing out of my mind. I still felt like I want to cry. After a long talk with my aunt, she handed over the phone to my seven-year-old step brother. His name is Gere. I talked to him as usual about Nemo books that I promised I’m going to buy and mail them to him. He asked me about the Rainbow fish that I told him last time. I explained the difference between Nemo and the Rainbow fish to him. As I was saying that, he seemed wasn’t listening to me. Suddenly, he asked me “When you gonna come back?” I wasn’t prepared for that question. I was so shocked because he had never said anything like that to me before. He is just like me, a kind of person who normally doesn’t say sweet things or even a really simple thing like “I miss you.” At that moment, I felt drops of water on my cheeks. I controlled my voice, so that it wouldn’t sound like I’m crying and I just said “I don’t know.” We both went quiet for a little while. I took a deep breath just to make my voice sounds as normal as I could before I asked him “Do you want me to go back?” Usually, he would say “Umm...I don’t know, maybe...” or something like that. He paused for a second and he answered my question with the voice that I felt like he was trying to make it sounds as normal as possible too. “Yes” he said. It was a long pause. I don’t know what he was thinking but I wasn’t thinking about anything. I felt like who cares if the world isn’t so kind to me. I have my brother whom I love even more than my own life. I was always afraid that he doesn’t love me as much as I love him but today I’ve just learned that deep down inside that little careless face, he loves me.
I might never find out what was the thing that made me so upset. Whatever it was, the little word from my brother already took that away.
Today, I had this kind of feeling and the best thing I could do was to call my family. I talked to my aunt. I was happy about the fact that she’s doing fine but I still couldn’t get that thing out of my mind. I still felt like I want to cry. After a long talk with my aunt, she handed over the phone to my seven-year-old step brother. His name is Gere. I talked to him as usual about Nemo books that I promised I’m going to buy and mail them to him. He asked me about the Rainbow fish that I told him last time. I explained the difference between Nemo and the Rainbow fish to him. As I was saying that, he seemed wasn’t listening to me. Suddenly, he asked me “When you gonna come back?” I wasn’t prepared for that question. I was so shocked because he had never said anything like that to me before. He is just like me, a kind of person who normally doesn’t say sweet things or even a really simple thing like “I miss you.” At that moment, I felt drops of water on my cheeks. I controlled my voice, so that it wouldn’t sound like I’m crying and I just said “I don’t know.” We both went quiet for a little while. I took a deep breath just to make my voice sounds as normal as I could before I asked him “Do you want me to go back?” Usually, he would say “Umm...I don’t know, maybe...” or something like that. He paused for a second and he answered my question with the voice that I felt like he was trying to make it sounds as normal as possible too. “Yes” he said. It was a long pause. I don’t know what he was thinking but I wasn’t thinking about anything. I felt like who cares if the world isn’t so kind to me. I have my brother whom I love even more than my own life. I was always afraid that he doesn’t love me as much as I love him but today I’ve just learned that deep down inside that little careless face, he loves me.
I might never find out what was the thing that made me so upset. Whatever it was, the little word from my brother already took that away.
Saturday
A Girl and her paycheck
I’m always there…by a small, abandoned window on the forth floor of Law school. I stand there seeing my reflection on the window with the 45th as a background. All I see are motionless lives outside the window and another even more motionless life on the window….me. Pressure, delusion, aspiration, loneliness and tiredness have buried the smiling face I used to see. The face in the window only gives me a very pale smile and a question “Why am I here?” Every time before I can answer that question, I always have to leave and come back to the real life where I find even lifeless than what I see outside of the window.
One day about a week ago before I went down to get my pay check, I stopped by my favorite window as usual. I was there thinking about something, feeling pretty much the same and left the place without answering my same, simple question. On the way to the payroll office, I saw a girl walked out from the office and there it was….the most inspiring picture I have ever seen. She held her pay check close to her face, so that she could see the number on it properly as she walked. On her face, there was a big smile, a smile that said everything, a smile that shook my lack of belief in myself to the very core. The pressure, delusion, aspiration, loneliness and tiredness seemed to suddenly fade away. As I stopped there, the truth about life magically revealed.
All of a sudden, I realized that sometime we are focusing too much on big things in our lives and forget about other tiny pieces. Life is like a journey. We all have a desire destination. We are going for it but sometime we go too fast because we think all the happiness is waiting for us there. We didn’t aware of things that come along with the journey. The real beauty is there, on a sidewalk, on a bridge, in a river and everywhere. If we slow down a little, we will see what we have missed. The journey is where most beauty exist, not the destination.
This made me realized that I don’t need to achieve a big success or any praise to feel good about myself. A very small thing I have done that nobody or even myself seems to notice can be something that brings the happiness back to my life, reminds me who I am, and answers the question I have been asking myself for a long time.
I picked up my pay check. As I walked out, I held a two-hundred-something pay check in my hand but I was smiling like I just got a million dollar pay check. That day I felt like the girl is the man and so am I.
I’m always there…by a small, abandoned window on the forth floor of Law school. I stand there seeing my reflection on the window with the 45th as a background. All I see are motionless lives outside the window and another even more motionless life on the window….me. Pressure, delusion, aspiration, loneliness and tiredness have buried the smiling face I used to see. The face in the window only gives me a very pale smile and a question “Why am I here?” Every time before I can answer that question, I always have to leave and come back to the real life where I find even lifeless than what I see outside of the window.
One day about a week ago before I went down to get my pay check, I stopped by my favorite window as usual. I was there thinking about something, feeling pretty much the same and left the place without answering my same, simple question. On the way to the payroll office, I saw a girl walked out from the office and there it was….the most inspiring picture I have ever seen. She held her pay check close to her face, so that she could see the number on it properly as she walked. On her face, there was a big smile, a smile that said everything, a smile that shook my lack of belief in myself to the very core. The pressure, delusion, aspiration, loneliness and tiredness seemed to suddenly fade away. As I stopped there, the truth about life magically revealed.
All of a sudden, I realized that sometime we are focusing too much on big things in our lives and forget about other tiny pieces. Life is like a journey. We all have a desire destination. We are going for it but sometime we go too fast because we think all the happiness is waiting for us there. We didn’t aware of things that come along with the journey. The real beauty is there, on a sidewalk, on a bridge, in a river and everywhere. If we slow down a little, we will see what we have missed. The journey is where most beauty exist, not the destination.
This made me realized that I don’t need to achieve a big success or any praise to feel good about myself. A very small thing I have done that nobody or even myself seems to notice can be something that brings the happiness back to my life, reminds me who I am, and answers the question I have been asking myself for a long time.
I picked up my pay check. As I walked out, I held a two-hundred-something pay check in my hand but I was smiling like I just got a million dollar pay check. That day I felt like the girl is the man and so am I.