There were many times that I found myself so depressed, confused and desperate. I couldn’t think of one good reason why I wanted to cry so badly. This is where the situation which I would call “I don’t know why but I wanna cry” comes about. When it happened, I felt like I totally lost and it’s even harder for me to deal with this kind of situation when I have no one around. I slowed down and thought about it. I realized that perhaps I know why I want to cry but I don’t want to accept the truth. I just don’t want to repeat something that I don’t want to believe to myself. It is the worst feeling when I want to cry but at the same time I feel like I shouldn’t shed my tear for it.
Today, I had this kind of feeling and the best thing I could do was to call my family. I talked to my aunt. I was happy about the fact that she’s doing fine but I still couldn’t get that thing out of my mind. I still felt like I want to cry. After a long talk with my aunt, she handed over the phone to my seven-year-old step brother. His name is Gere. I talked to him as usual about Nemo books that I promised I’m going to buy and mail them to him. He asked me about the Rainbow fish that I told him last time. I explained the difference between Nemo and the Rainbow fish to him. As I was saying that, he seemed wasn’t listening to me. Suddenly, he asked me “When you gonna come back?” I wasn’t prepared for that question. I was so shocked because he had never said anything like that to me before. He is just like me, a kind of person who normally doesn’t say sweet things or even a really simple thing like “I miss you.” At that moment, I felt drops of water on my cheeks. I controlled my voice, so that it wouldn’t sound like I’m crying and I just said “I don’t know.” We both went quiet for a little while. I took a deep breath just to make my voice sounds as normal as I could before I asked him “Do you want me to go back?” Usually, he would say “Umm...I don’t know, maybe...” or something like that. He paused for a second and he answered my question with the voice that I felt like he was trying to make it sounds as normal as possible too. “Yes” he said. It was a long pause. I don’t know what he was thinking but I wasn’t thinking about anything. I felt like who cares if the world isn’t so kind to me. I have my brother whom I love even more than my own life. I was always afraid that he doesn’t love me as much as I love him but today I’ve just learned that deep down inside that little careless face, he loves me.
I might never find out what was the thing that made me so upset. Whatever it was, the little word from my brother already took that away.