I wonder if we have to choose between living in a place where we feel that we are doing well and living in a place where we feel that we are being loved, which place would we choose?
I, for sure, would choose to live in a place where I can feel love from people around me. But the reality seems to be totally different from the idea. If I really want to be where love is, then why am I still here?
I used to think that I don’t want a lot of people to care about me or to pay too much attention to me. I always wanted to be free. I always told them that I can take care of my life …please don’t worry about me.
They never listen to me. So I just got myself away from them. I knew I can survive. I knew I don’t need anyone. I knew I’m gonna have so much fun with my life…
I was wrong…
I didn’t realize that until I felt like I had really lost those things I always rejected in the past. Being like this is not fun. I don’t understand why I have to trade those things I used to have with my awful life today.
I am just a human who needs to be loved. I miss people who love me and I know they miss me too. To them, I’m worth more than their lives but here, I’m worth less than trash. I don’t blame people…I can’t. It’s not their jobs to care about me. But I’m sad because sometimes I really do care for people and I really do love them. I give out all my heart without hesitating that I could be hurt. I really did believe that not everybody in the world is thinking only about themselves.
Thanks to them for telling me that there’s no such thing… Thanks to them for making me disbelieve in love.
Now, I know where I really want to be and what I really want in my life. I don’t wanna be an important person. I don’t wanna be the one who makes change to the world. I just wanna be someone who’s good enough for you to love. I’m so sorry for everything I did. I’m so sorry for not caring for you as much as I should have. Don’t believe what I just said. I’m gonna show you what I mean. I’m gonna show you how much I love you from now on.
Saturday
See you when I close my eyes
I stood in front of her; looking into her innocent eyes. A six-year-old girl smiled back to me; a very little smile yet looked so familiar.
She said “I love to play like a boy.” “You know what? Mom won’t like that but it doesn’t matter coz she’s not here.”
I raised my eye brows.
She responded immediately “I don’t know where she is. She’s just not here. That’s all I know.”
Her cheeks suddenly grew red as she tried to hide her face from me. Even so, I could see a pain behind that tiny face.
She continued “Dad doesn’t care much. I think I can do anything I want as long as I don’t make a mess. We never really talk to each other. I don’t know why. I think he looks sad…”
She paused and gazed around just a little as if she wanted to make sure that her dad was not around. “I don’t wanna see him sad. I wanna ask him if he wanna play video games with me. I don’t know if he cares.”
I pictured a man with sad eyes yet there’s a warm expression hidden behind his blank face.
She started to bite her nails again. I had been observing her and I thought it’s quite a bad behavior. She seemed to notice my thought, so she stopped biting her nails.
She said in casual voice “I’m sorry. I do this all the time when I have a problem. Well…somebody told me that problem kids bite their nails all the time. I think it’s true. I don’t know if I have a problem but I bite my nails all the time. So I guess I might have a problem then?”
I smiled back to her as in “No, you’re not a problem child.”
She shrugged her shoulders as in “Whatever” I assumed.
“Anyway, you wanna know what do I know about love?” She leaned her head a little left as she looked into my eyes.
I was impressed for the fact that I asked that question quite a while ago but she was able to get back to it after all those conversations. As much as I admired her ability of remembering, I enjoyed listening to her life from her own point of view. Learning overall of a person’s life is a very good foundation for finding an answer for a more specific question about that life. Because that way, you not only get an answer, but also you get the reason why the answer is like that. For me, it’s more important to know why than to know what. But then again, sometimes, knowing what is good enough without knowing why.
The silence woke us up again. We both seemed to forget how long we had sank down into our thoughts without interacting with each other. She shifted her position a little.
“I don’t know what exactly you mean by love.” She demanded for more specific explanation.
I gave her nothing but an encouraging look and opened mind.
She signed which made me feel like I have just asked her the most difficult question in the world.
“I think love is when people stay together and when they are together, they don’t fight. They talk and they laugh.”
I nodded my head along as in “Good, good, go on.”
“Umm… if you want me to be more specific. It’s hard. I can’t tell what love is. I can’t tell if this is love or that is not love.”
She looked away from me like she wanted to say no more. Unexpectedly, she said “But I can feel it. I can feel it when it’s around me.”
She looked around again before she said “I don’t know about anybody else but I know dad loves me.”
“He never says he love me or things like that. We never laugh together.” She said uncomfortably.
“I barely see him during the day. I don’t know where he is. But every time he gets home, he always has something for me.”
I moved even closer to her. I felt like she started to open up more and more even though she remained avoiding the eye contact.
“I never really look at stuff he brought, you know. I always look into his eyes when he’s explaining what he brought me today, when he’s not looking at me.”
I noticed a little drop of tear from her face. She was now hiding her face as much as she could but still talking with the same normal voice.
“His eyes always grow so bright …like he can’t wait to see my response. I’m happy, you know. I’m happy to see him happy even though it’s so little. I wanna make him smile sometime. But I’m not good at it.”
I certainly felt for her. It’s very hard when you have so much love for someone but you can’t or don’t know how to show your feeling. Your hands suddenly become unnecessary parts of your body. You eyes keep rolling as if they want to find a way to escape from your face. You lips go in an awkward position, almost like smile but not really. And words suddenly disappear from your thought.
“Sometime, I see my friends’ dads. When they pick up their kids after school, sometime they talk about how’s the school today. I wish I could talk to my dad like that.”
“He never asks, you know. One or two sentences he says everyday is I’m sorry I forgot or Sorry, I was a bit busy. You know, I’m always the last person who gets picked up after school everyday. It’s embarrassing when everybody knows that my house is so close to the school.” She chuckled a little, not in amusing sense but discomforting.
“But the good thing is I get to play with the swing that I never have a chance to touch during the day. Other big kids always take it. But late after school like that, nobody’s on my way” She looked at my face now since the topic seemed to be less uncomfortable.
“Sometime my teacher had to walk me home because it got really late and she wanted to go home too. It’s kinda funny to see the look on dad face when I showed up with my teacher at home. I think he was very embarrassed. He didn’t know what to do. He just said Oh, I’m so sorry. I’ve been very busy. I thought somebody picked her up already.
My teacher totally didn’t buy it. We all knew that he just forgot.”
For the first time, I saw her smile, a smile with amusement. I was pretty amazed for the fact that she feels this is no serious matter at all. A six-year-old left very late after school everyday. Shouldn’t that be one of the reasons why she bites her nails all the time? But she seemed very optimistic about it. If she’s hiding something, she’s doing a very good job.
She seemed to notice my curiosity. “It happens all the time, you know. If he picks me up on time everyday and one day he forgets, I would feel very weird. But this happens everyday. Instead, when someday he picks me up a little early, I’m so happy. I feel like I might have done something very, very good, so that someone up there thinks I deserve a gift today.”
I could feel the warm feeling slowly penetrated on my face. I was so glad she brought up this story and shared it with me. I now knew the reason why a very little thing that people always overlook can have such power to bring happiness and smiles to a person. It’s not the value of things that come to our lives. It’s how we perceive it based on our experiences and emotions. This is why sometime; some people seem to be overreacted with things that others may concern as just a little thing.
The thought took me back to my place. When I look outside my window, I see a big beautiful tree who decorates itself with some red leaves, so that it stands out against the big blue sky. The window frame makes them look even more spectacular which takes my breath away every time I look at it. I want to share this view and this feeling with someone unfortunately I’m the only person in the world who can see this picture. Because, in fact, there’s nothing more than just a little tree that someone grows behind the building. The only way I can see the contrast of the tree and the sky is lying down on my bed, looking up and pretending that I don’t see the building wall which takes most part of the real picture. There are millions of places where people would rather be but here. But it’s only here where I rather be but anywhere else. Because my picture is different and it’s beautiful.
It had been quite a while that we looked at each other but said no word. She leaned her head a little right. I didn’t know what she was thinking but I thought she’s a very happy little girl. I wished I could be like her all the time. It would be a little peaceful life when I don’t have many expectations. I will love people as much as I want and I will take whatever they give me back and be happy with it. When sometime they are very kind to me, I will take it as a gift and I will not expect the gift to be a standard. I will always have a little smile on my face no matter what happens. And I will just lean my head the other side when I want to look at things differently like the way she always does.
I knew I can’t have such happy life like her all the time but at least my life won’t be as hard when things change. It will be just another day like those days when my dad picked me up late as usual after school.
I looked into her innocent eyes again. I knew I will miss her.
She said to me for the last time “You don’t have to say goodbye because I’ll always be with you.”
I closed my eyes with a little smile on my face, a very little smile yet felt so familiar.
She said “I love to play like a boy.” “You know what? Mom won’t like that but it doesn’t matter coz she’s not here.”
I raised my eye brows.
She responded immediately “I don’t know where she is. She’s just not here. That’s all I know.”
Her cheeks suddenly grew red as she tried to hide her face from me. Even so, I could see a pain behind that tiny face.
She continued “Dad doesn’t care much. I think I can do anything I want as long as I don’t make a mess. We never really talk to each other. I don’t know why. I think he looks sad…”
She paused and gazed around just a little as if she wanted to make sure that her dad was not around. “I don’t wanna see him sad. I wanna ask him if he wanna play video games with me. I don’t know if he cares.”
I pictured a man with sad eyes yet there’s a warm expression hidden behind his blank face.
She started to bite her nails again. I had been observing her and I thought it’s quite a bad behavior. She seemed to notice my thought, so she stopped biting her nails.
She said in casual voice “I’m sorry. I do this all the time when I have a problem. Well…somebody told me that problem kids bite their nails all the time. I think it’s true. I don’t know if I have a problem but I bite my nails all the time. So I guess I might have a problem then?”
I smiled back to her as in “No, you’re not a problem child.”
She shrugged her shoulders as in “Whatever” I assumed.
“Anyway, you wanna know what do I know about love?” She leaned her head a little left as she looked into my eyes.
I was impressed for the fact that I asked that question quite a while ago but she was able to get back to it after all those conversations. As much as I admired her ability of remembering, I enjoyed listening to her life from her own point of view. Learning overall of a person’s life is a very good foundation for finding an answer for a more specific question about that life. Because that way, you not only get an answer, but also you get the reason why the answer is like that. For me, it’s more important to know why than to know what. But then again, sometimes, knowing what is good enough without knowing why.
The silence woke us up again. We both seemed to forget how long we had sank down into our thoughts without interacting with each other. She shifted her position a little.
“I don’t know what exactly you mean by love.” She demanded for more specific explanation.
I gave her nothing but an encouraging look and opened mind.
She signed which made me feel like I have just asked her the most difficult question in the world.
“I think love is when people stay together and when they are together, they don’t fight. They talk and they laugh.”
I nodded my head along as in “Good, good, go on.”
“Umm… if you want me to be more specific. It’s hard. I can’t tell what love is. I can’t tell if this is love or that is not love.”
She looked away from me like she wanted to say no more. Unexpectedly, she said “But I can feel it. I can feel it when it’s around me.”
She looked around again before she said “I don’t know about anybody else but I know dad loves me.”
“He never says he love me or things like that. We never laugh together.” She said uncomfortably.
“I barely see him during the day. I don’t know where he is. But every time he gets home, he always has something for me.”
I moved even closer to her. I felt like she started to open up more and more even though she remained avoiding the eye contact.
“I never really look at stuff he brought, you know. I always look into his eyes when he’s explaining what he brought me today, when he’s not looking at me.”
I noticed a little drop of tear from her face. She was now hiding her face as much as she could but still talking with the same normal voice.
“His eyes always grow so bright …like he can’t wait to see my response. I’m happy, you know. I’m happy to see him happy even though it’s so little. I wanna make him smile sometime. But I’m not good at it.”
I certainly felt for her. It’s very hard when you have so much love for someone but you can’t or don’t know how to show your feeling. Your hands suddenly become unnecessary parts of your body. You eyes keep rolling as if they want to find a way to escape from your face. You lips go in an awkward position, almost like smile but not really. And words suddenly disappear from your thought.
“Sometime, I see my friends’ dads. When they pick up their kids after school, sometime they talk about how’s the school today. I wish I could talk to my dad like that.”
“He never asks, you know. One or two sentences he says everyday is I’m sorry I forgot or Sorry, I was a bit busy. You know, I’m always the last person who gets picked up after school everyday. It’s embarrassing when everybody knows that my house is so close to the school.” She chuckled a little, not in amusing sense but discomforting.
“But the good thing is I get to play with the swing that I never have a chance to touch during the day. Other big kids always take it. But late after school like that, nobody’s on my way” She looked at my face now since the topic seemed to be less uncomfortable.
“Sometime my teacher had to walk me home because it got really late and she wanted to go home too. It’s kinda funny to see the look on dad face when I showed up with my teacher at home. I think he was very embarrassed. He didn’t know what to do. He just said Oh, I’m so sorry. I’ve been very busy. I thought somebody picked her up already.
My teacher totally didn’t buy it. We all knew that he just forgot.”
For the first time, I saw her smile, a smile with amusement. I was pretty amazed for the fact that she feels this is no serious matter at all. A six-year-old left very late after school everyday. Shouldn’t that be one of the reasons why she bites her nails all the time? But she seemed very optimistic about it. If she’s hiding something, she’s doing a very good job.
She seemed to notice my curiosity. “It happens all the time, you know. If he picks me up on time everyday and one day he forgets, I would feel very weird. But this happens everyday. Instead, when someday he picks me up a little early, I’m so happy. I feel like I might have done something very, very good, so that someone up there thinks I deserve a gift today.”
I could feel the warm feeling slowly penetrated on my face. I was so glad she brought up this story and shared it with me. I now knew the reason why a very little thing that people always overlook can have such power to bring happiness and smiles to a person. It’s not the value of things that come to our lives. It’s how we perceive it based on our experiences and emotions. This is why sometime; some people seem to be overreacted with things that others may concern as just a little thing.
The thought took me back to my place. When I look outside my window, I see a big beautiful tree who decorates itself with some red leaves, so that it stands out against the big blue sky. The window frame makes them look even more spectacular which takes my breath away every time I look at it. I want to share this view and this feeling with someone unfortunately I’m the only person in the world who can see this picture. Because, in fact, there’s nothing more than just a little tree that someone grows behind the building. The only way I can see the contrast of the tree and the sky is lying down on my bed, looking up and pretending that I don’t see the building wall which takes most part of the real picture. There are millions of places where people would rather be but here. But it’s only here where I rather be but anywhere else. Because my picture is different and it’s beautiful.
It had been quite a while that we looked at each other but said no word. She leaned her head a little right. I didn’t know what she was thinking but I thought she’s a very happy little girl. I wished I could be like her all the time. It would be a little peaceful life when I don’t have many expectations. I will love people as much as I want and I will take whatever they give me back and be happy with it. When sometime they are very kind to me, I will take it as a gift and I will not expect the gift to be a standard. I will always have a little smile on my face no matter what happens. And I will just lean my head the other side when I want to look at things differently like the way she always does.
I knew I can’t have such happy life like her all the time but at least my life won’t be as hard when things change. It will be just another day like those days when my dad picked me up late as usual after school.
I looked into her innocent eyes again. I knew I will miss her.
She said to me for the last time “You don’t have to say goodbye because I’ll always be with you.”
I closed my eyes with a little smile on my face, a very little smile yet felt so familiar.
Monday
If I ...
If I could see the time, my arms would fly in the air.
If I could taste the loneliness, my tongue would give up tasting.
If I could hear the quiet, my soul would be calm like the deepest water.
If I could smell the cloud, my eyes would close forever.
If I could touch your love, my hands wouldn’t feel anything.
If I could taste the loneliness, my tongue would give up tasting.
If I could hear the quiet, my soul would be calm like the deepest water.
If I could smell the cloud, my eyes would close forever.
If I could touch your love, my hands wouldn’t feel anything.