This is probably a thousand time I tried to locate my house from the Google Earth. I love this piece from Google so much. But I still can’t find my house. Instead, today, I was able to locate another place that I love so much too, my University.
In fact, it was too clear that it made me cry. All the memorable places I’m never gonna forget. I saw the Humanity and Social Science building, where I used to be there a lot. I zoomed in a little more and I could see even sharper details.
The image of the parking lot in front of the department building became clearer as my memory faded in vividly.
That day I had a big fight with him at the parking lot. He was angry with me because we were late for a class. I went to the back of the car to get my shoes and I accidentally close the door too hard. It made loud noise and he thought I was letting out my anger. Only that I wasn’t.
He stormed off on me and I was really upset. I let him walk in to the building, then I took off. I found myself again at the beach. I was there alone, thinking. Until I realized I couldn’t handle it anymore, I called my friend to who drove a whole hour right away to be with me.
We hung out until she left. I went back to the beach and sit there for how long I don’t remember. I don’t know how long he was out looking for me but he rode his bike along the beach and found me finally. He got in to my car and said “You left me and I had to walk all the way to my apartment.” I looked at him and said nothing.
Half an hour of silence, he got out and left me again. It was getting dark and I made no movement. He came back again but said nothing. Somehow I gave up and leave the beach. To this point, I don’t remember how we made up. But that is one of million memories I got out of looking at the 3x4” satellite image.
I thought to myself many times that I won’t be able to step my foot into that place ever again. It will literally kill me. But here I am, all the way across the world, looking at the place like I’ve never seen it before by the help of smart set of code and a satellite.
Another thing is that I also had so much fun following the path of the Tigris River. I started of from the center of Bagdad, scrolling up and down, left and right for about half and hour along the river, wondering where it’s gonna end. I finally lost track of it at the point where it says Mamemusa Dagi. The river becomes so small that I can’t see anymore. It’s so amazing that the river actually separates into more than one line at many points. But what I found is that no matter what, the lines always emerge to create a solid blue line of the legendary Tigris again.
Wednesday
Friday
A call from someone
It wasn’t shocking or surprising at all when my ex-bf called me this morning.
I admit to myself, I miss him so damn much everyday and every night.
I used to plan the things I wanted to say to him, to make him feel bad or whatever.
But I couldn’t do it.
What I could say was only the truth I have been keeping only to myself since we parted.
I know I was really weak and I shouldn’t have treated him like that considering what he had done to my life.
He said he just wanted to know how am I doing. He said he misses me and cares about me still.
He asked me the same question he normally asked me every time on this mother’s day “Did you call mom?”
I was just thinking about that question last night when mom called me.
I asked him a question “Have you ever loved me?”
His answer was “I really did love you.”
It’s funny because I always think about love as something that can never be destroyed.
My love is still there but his is gone.
…..
This month is the month that our love began.
He asked me on the phone “Do you know what month this is?”
I said yes. But what I don’t know is why we aren’t together?
I asked him if he wants me to have a new bf.
He said no. He doesn’t want me to do that.
I asked him “Why? Don’t you want me to be happy?”
He said “Yes, but you don’t have to be with someone. Living by yourself is good enough.”
I said “If you really think that, then why don’t you do it? Why don’t you live alone?”
He couldn’t give me a damn answer.
He asked me to hang up the phone first like he always did when we were together.
I hung up, with no hesitation.
This is so usual, what this man always do to me.
I always think what if I had never met him. Wouldn’t I be happier?
After he left me, I spent every hour that I have left from work thinking about the reasons I should hate this man.
I came up with thousands of reasons but I can never hate him.
It’s almost like my life has been cursed after I met him.
I can’t even escape from this man when I’m not actually thinking.
I dream about him almost every night.
After I hung up the phone with him today, I spent the entire day thinking about things I said and things he said.
Trying to remember the good things.
Then I fell asleep and dreamed again.
He was on the plane with me in the mood of saying goodbye.
I sit next to him. We talked and I cried again.
He lean his head to kiss me but it was the saddest kiss I’ve ever felt.
The plane was starting to take off and he had to leave.
We hugged for as long as we can.
He jumped out the door.
The last thing I said was “I’m still in love with you.”
He said back to me as the plane’s gathering speed “I’m still in love with you too.”
Then he said something else which I couldn’t hear.
I said “What?”
He repeated what he said again but the we were to far away from each other now.
I couldn’t hear him.
I woke up and found myself alone again.
I have no idea how can I be the same.
I don’t know if I can laugh again.
Everything is like a dream to me.
Perhaps it is actually just a dream. He never exist and I have never met him.
I admit to myself, I miss him so damn much everyday and every night.
I used to plan the things I wanted to say to him, to make him feel bad or whatever.
But I couldn’t do it.
What I could say was only the truth I have been keeping only to myself since we parted.
I know I was really weak and I shouldn’t have treated him like that considering what he had done to my life.
He said he just wanted to know how am I doing. He said he misses me and cares about me still.
He asked me the same question he normally asked me every time on this mother’s day “Did you call mom?”
I was just thinking about that question last night when mom called me.
I asked him a question “Have you ever loved me?”
His answer was “I really did love you.”
It’s funny because I always think about love as something that can never be destroyed.
My love is still there but his is gone.
…..
This month is the month that our love began.
He asked me on the phone “Do you know what month this is?”
I said yes. But what I don’t know is why we aren’t together?
I asked him if he wants me to have a new bf.
He said no. He doesn’t want me to do that.
I asked him “Why? Don’t you want me to be happy?”
He said “Yes, but you don’t have to be with someone. Living by yourself is good enough.”
I said “If you really think that, then why don’t you do it? Why don’t you live alone?”
He couldn’t give me a damn answer.
He asked me to hang up the phone first like he always did when we were together.
I hung up, with no hesitation.
This is so usual, what this man always do to me.
I always think what if I had never met him. Wouldn’t I be happier?
After he left me, I spent every hour that I have left from work thinking about the reasons I should hate this man.
I came up with thousands of reasons but I can never hate him.
It’s almost like my life has been cursed after I met him.
I can’t even escape from this man when I’m not actually thinking.
I dream about him almost every night.
After I hung up the phone with him today, I spent the entire day thinking about things I said and things he said.
Trying to remember the good things.
Then I fell asleep and dreamed again.
He was on the plane with me in the mood of saying goodbye.
I sit next to him. We talked and I cried again.
He lean his head to kiss me but it was the saddest kiss I’ve ever felt.
The plane was starting to take off and he had to leave.
We hugged for as long as we can.
He jumped out the door.
The last thing I said was “I’m still in love with you.”
He said back to me as the plane’s gathering speed “I’m still in love with you too.”
Then he said something else which I couldn’t hear.
I said “What?”
He repeated what he said again but the we were to far away from each other now.
I couldn’t hear him.
I woke up and found myself alone again.
I have no idea how can I be the same.
I don’t know if I can laugh again.
Everything is like a dream to me.
Perhaps it is actually just a dream. He never exist and I have never met him.
Have you ever listened to me?
I do know that I believe in stupid things.
God has been telling me so.
It took me a while to realize that but I finally do.
So what’s next?
I quit believing in my belief and start to have a new life.
Apparently it doesn’t matter whether I am happy or not.
My life has to be like this and I’m gonna have to live with it.
This big freakin river flows so furious.
So, a little person like me has no choice but go with the flow.
Hitting thousands of sharp rocks. Who cares?
It’s just me. Huh?
I let you take me wherever you want.
May I ask where are we going?
I have been waiting for so damn long.
You got what you want, my life ripped apart.
Now show me who am I supposed to be.
God has been telling me so.
It took me a while to realize that but I finally do.
So what’s next?
I quit believing in my belief and start to have a new life.
Apparently it doesn’t matter whether I am happy or not.
My life has to be like this and I’m gonna have to live with it.
This big freakin river flows so furious.
So, a little person like me has no choice but go with the flow.
Hitting thousands of sharp rocks. Who cares?
It’s just me. Huh?
I let you take me wherever you want.
May I ask where are we going?
I have been waiting for so damn long.
You got what you want, my life ripped apart.
Now show me who am I supposed to be.