A call from someone

It wasn’t shocking or surprising at all when my ex-bf called me this morning.

I admit to myself, I miss him so damn much everyday and every night.

I used to plan the things I wanted to say to him, to make him feel bad or whatever.

But I couldn’t do it.

What I could say was only the truth I have been keeping only to myself since we parted.

I know I was really weak and I shouldn’t have treated him like that considering what he had done to my life.

He said he just wanted to know how am I doing. He said he misses me and cares about me still.

He asked me the same question he normally asked me every time on this mother’s day “Did you call mom?”

I was just thinking about that question last night when mom called me.

I asked him a question “Have you ever loved me?”

His answer was “I really did love you.”

It’s funny because I always think about love as something that can never be destroyed.

My love is still there but his is gone.

…..

This month is the month that our love began.

He asked me on the phone “Do you know what month this is?”

I said yes. But what I don’t know is why we aren’t together?

I asked him if he wants me to have a new bf.

He said no. He doesn’t want me to do that.

I asked him “Why? Don’t you want me to be happy?”

He said “Yes, but you don’t have to be with someone. Living by yourself is good enough.”

I said “If you really think that, then why don’t you do it? Why don’t you live alone?”

He couldn’t give me a damn answer.

He asked me to hang up the phone first like he always did when we were together.

I hung up, with no hesitation.

This is so usual, what this man always do to me.

I always think what if I had never met him. Wouldn’t I be happier?

After he left me, I spent every hour that I have left from work thinking about the reasons I should hate this man.

I came up with thousands of reasons but I can never hate him.

It’s almost like my life has been cursed after I met him.

I can’t even escape from this man when I’m not actually thinking.

I dream about him almost every night.

After I hung up the phone with him today, I spent the entire day thinking about things I said and things he said.

Trying to remember the good things.

Then I fell asleep and dreamed again.

He was on the plane with me in the mood of saying goodbye.

I sit next to him. We talked and I cried again.

He lean his head to kiss me but it was the saddest kiss I’ve ever felt.

The plane was starting to take off and he had to leave.

We hugged for as long as we can.

He jumped out the door.

The last thing I said was “I’m still in love with you.”

He said back to me as the plane’s gathering speed “I’m still in love with you too.”

Then he said something else which I couldn’t hear.

I said “What?”

He repeated what he said again but the we were to far away from each other now.

I couldn’t hear him.

I woke up and found myself alone again.

I have no idea how can I be the same.

I don’t know if I can laugh again.

Everything is like a dream to me.

Perhaps it is actually just a dream. He never exist and I have never met him.